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10th Anniversary & Rant [Jan. 10th, 2007|12:47 pm]
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |Move Along - All American Rejects]

YAY!! 10 years..10 loooong years..lol All is well, I suppose, we worked hard to get where we are and I'm happy for it. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, I don't know if it were just niaveness, or just that I didn't really think, or perhaps it was something else, but I think I've learned a lot for it. I seriously believe that you don't grow in wisdom unless you've made several mistakes in your life. This is why older people are considered wise, they've been there and perhaps even done that.

Which brings me to something that's been bothering me so much that I need to write it down. After all my therapist adviced that I write things down that bother me and it would help. What happened the other day on HC, with Jem putting up the screencaps she took and something about IP Proxies..I don't know I don't understand them, but it was the reactions by the Admins that got to me; and I'll tell you why.

One thing about Alch's(and I call him Alch, cause I can't spell his name cause I'm a dweeb..*blushes*) response post was that he was so thoroughly convinced it was me. Regardless of whether he got confused with the name or whatever, but I honestly don't know what I did to make him believe that I would do that, and how quick he was to bring out my age in all this. Now, I'm not going to pick on Alch or tell him off, no, that's not the purpose of this rant, but to bring out a couple of things that I've learned over my 34+ years, cause in May guess what I'll be 35 arrrgg..anyway, to continue...

Age has nothing to do with nothing..just because a person is 20, 30, 40 or even 50 there is no limit as to feelings. You can feel used, cheated, like shit, angry, sad, depressed at any age, they have absolutely no problems with age and its not fair to be pegged as a mature person and told we cannot FEEL this way because we're so and so age. The difference is, the way we handle it..true, the older you are the more you'd think one would be able to handle things. But the sad fact is that the older you are the WORST your problems become..and being told you HAVE to handle them like a mature person is a cop out. Everyone hides behind their age, oh I'm only 14, 15, 16, 19, 21..and its expected of me, but no, you're 35, 37, 38..and you have to act with decorum. The sad fact is that it doesn't always happen.

Look at how many of our so called leaders act. How the Japanese leaders get into fist fights, how Presidents and Prime Ministers, Kings and Queens..Princes and Dictators act like creeps, loosers and morons all the time, so why should a mother of 30 something be expected to act so perfectly all the time? We're not superhuman, we're not Guru's nor are we up on pedastals as goddesses though many of us SHOULD be. Fine, fighting is childish, yes, it is, you're not telling me anything I don't already know but fighting is human and believe it or not, yes I am human and so is the person I'm fighting with.

The fact that people are standing in the line of fire is unavoidable, hell there's even a term for it and its called Collatoral Damage. Sorry, life sucks even if you're just a spectator, live with it. But you're fighting like little children, oh well it fucking happens, from going at it in the front lawn to whatever..no, little children do not fight like adults do, they cry and run to their mommies. No, fighting is mostly an adult thing and how we fight reflexs how deeply we're feeling about it. Adults more than anyone else have a great way of making spectacles of themselve and I'll tell you why, because after so many damn years of keeping it in and acting mature we just loose it. Its natural its human and it does fucking happen.

Does that stop the fact that we pay mortgages, utility bills, doctor's bills, make sure our kids are doing well in school, taking care of our spouces, aging parents, extended family, not to mention day to day things like cooking, cleaning and basically just breathing. So fuck if we want to fucking fight we will do it..even on boards that aren't ours. Because regardles if people are hiding behind 'usernames' and 'avatars' there are still people and people will always find ways of rubbing each other the wrong way. So you know, our lapse in judgement faltered for a moment or two, big fucking deal, its happened before and you know what it will happen again, whether you're 14 years old or 89 years old!!

So before you come to me with a but you're 35 or 38 years old and should act your age, stop, check your own age, check your parents age, and all the adults you've known in your life..and stop and think, if you can. If you have no idea who I am, what I go through on a day to day basis. If you have no idea what is going on in my mind and in my heart then don't you DARE tell me how to act or how to feel because you have absolutely no right, even if it is your board. A board owner can control what a person posts and how the person acts, but in no way can they or should they control what a person feels or make them feel guilty for feeling this way.

Yes, I'm 35 years old, and yes I am angry, I am hurt, I am depressed and I am frustrated and that won't change with anyone telling me to act my age and that I'm being silly. Sorry, but unless you've walked a mile or two in my shoes you have absolutely no right. If you don't want to hear it, then don't..I'm not asking you too, but yeah, this is been on my mind and heart and I'm tired of being made to feel guilty over what I can or cannot feel or how I deal with it. Believe it or not, there are many ways of dealing with it, from crying, to excersise, to praying, to just laughing about it and no one should tell you YOU are wrong about the way you go about it, unless its injuring someone or breaking the law. And this goes for any person close to my age or above it that knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Life is pain, we all deal with it differently, nobody is perfect and that for sure is the truth.

Dreams of Frustration [Jan. 9th, 2007|09:28 am]
[Current Mood |dorkydorky]

I had the weirdest dream the other night, not this night the last night, anyway. It was one of those dreams where all the frustrating things in my life or any that my subconscious could think off just happened. There was the cute guy that I really liked but he couldn't shut up about the girl he liked. There was work and coworkers nagging at me to hurry up so THEY can go to lunch and a lunch where they invited you, but didn't even wait for you to join them. They told you where they were going, but well you'd have to figure out where it was and how to get there. There was the being forced to play board games and knowing everyone cheated but no one would admit to it and just called you a sore looser. And lastly and this one really made me want to cry was that Kathy Griffith was returning to Regis Live. *blinks* I don't know why that made me the most frustrated..LOL I suppose I'm just a silly woman.

Now, I have a question, that was a dream right? I mean Kathy Griffith is NOT returning, I still have my lovely Kelly Rippa right? *worried* right?
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New Year New Icons [Jan. 8th, 2007|11:57 am]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music |In His Touch - Celine Dion]

I finally changed my icons! woohoo, I still have to work on my scrapbook, but first I must post. I'm currenly working on a short story about how Allistar got his twins and I'll post it up as soon as its done. Also, Wizard's War is coming along just fine. Anyway..here are the icons if you wanna take a peekaboo!


Thank you everyone that's shown support and love, I don't think I can get along without you guys, and I thank God that I have you guys. This is just something that will pass with time and I'll be back to my cheerful self. ^.^ Oooh, I got on AIM and talked to Paul, that put a smile on my face, I really should keep AIM opened more often..lol

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Tired [Jan. 7th, 2007|08:16 pm]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music |My Humps - Blackeyed Peas]

Whoa I'm so tired right now..exhausted physically and everything else. I'm not going to OOC anymore..not going to give anyone any fuel. I'm not even going to read it anymore. See everyone is getting so tired of it, and so am I. I'll just say this. You're out of my life for good, I don't care anymore. To care is too still keep something and there is nothing. I have my friends, I have my RPies and soon Ill have my peace of mind. So I hope everyone is happy now and comfortable and whatever. The last thing I am is selfish. I care about ya'll so I'll be the bigger person and bow out. I always have, anyway what comes around goes around, Karma always gets you in the end.

If you're reading this Carol, I just want to say that I hope you're happy with yourself, I hope you got everything you wanted. I'm sorry I ever met you, really, this has been one of the most miserable times of my life, when all I did was try to be your friend. Hey, maybe you will change and treat Karen and the rest of your friends better than you treated me, then they'll be lucky, but I seriously doubt it. Like you told me once, "I am like this, take me or leave me." And I left you, and I'm so happy about it. I think the last step is to completely ignore you, you don't exsist in my life and this will be the last time I will ever address you or talk about you. Anyway, you're lucky that no one wants to deal with you eventhough you seriously do not deserve the position you have and I'm sorry I ever helped you get to where you are. Again, I hope you're very happy, and I hope you don't hurt Karen. This horrible, ugly, terrible and all the other words I can think off to describe it CHAPTER in my life is over. I came out of it with all my friends intact and I'll be praying you don't do anything evil to them or me. Do everyone a favor and get some medical help...

Por Amar te Asi [Jan. 7th, 2007|07:12 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Por Amarte Asi - Cristian Castro]

Por Amarte Asi

Siempre seras la niña que me llena el alma
You'll always be the girl that fills my soul
como un mar inquieto como un mar en calma
Like a stormy[roudy] ocean like a calm ocean
siempre tan lejana como el horizonte
always so distant[faraway] like the horizon
gritando en el silencio tu nombre en mis labios
screaming in the silence, your name on my lips
solo queda el eco de mi desengaño
only the echo of my disappointment
sigo aqui en mi sueño de seguirte amando
I keep with my dream of still loving you

sera sera como tu quieras pero asi sera
It shall be, it shall be how you want it that's how it shall be
si aun tengo que esperarte siete vidas mas
even if I have to wait for you through seven more lives
me quedare colgado de este sentimiento
I'll stay hooked[hung] on this feeling

por amarte asi
To love you like this[like I do]
es esa mi fortuna es ese mi castigo
That is my fortune[destiny], that is my punishment
sera que tanto amor acaso esta prohibido
could be be that so much love is prohibited
y sigo aqui muriendo por estar contigo
and I'm here dying to be with you

por amarte asi
To love you like this[like I do]
a un paso de tu boca sin poder besarla
a caress of your mouth without being able to kiss you
tan cerca de tu piel y sin tocarla
So close to your skin and not be able to touch it
ardiendo de desos con cada mirada
burning up with desires with each look
por amarte asi por amarte asi por amarte
To love you like this, just to love you like this
asi voy caminando en esta cuerda floja
This is how I'm walking on this loose string
corriendo tras de tu huella convertida en sombra
running behind your footprints and turning into your shadow
preso del amor que me negaste un día
prisoner of the love that you denied me one day
contando los segundos que pasan por verte
counting the seconds until I see you next
haciendote culpable de mi propia suerte
making you responsible for my luck
soñando hasta despierto con hacerte mía
Daydreaming with making you mine

sera sera como tu quieras pero asi sera
It shall be, it shall be how you want it that's how it shall be
si aun tengo que esperarte siete vidas mas
even if I have to wait for you through seven more lives
me quedare colgado de este sentimiento
I'll stay hooked[hung] on this feeling
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First Post of the Year [Jan. 5th, 2007|02:14 pm]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |All the Way - Celine Dion & Frank Sinatra]

My stomach is full of butterflies at the moment. My character won Yule King and I'm so happy! I don't know by what margin I won, and I don't want to know..LOL Thank you all the voted for me, I loooooooove you!

I can't believe in 5 more days I'll be celebrating my 10th Wedding Anniversary. I'm so happy and grateful because some of those years it didn't seem like we were going to make it. We still have our problems, but they're not as difficult and we seem to be communicating much better than before. We have a home now and a gorgeous little girl and I pray that we have many many more years together. I do love my husband very much..lesigh.

I should update my icons..still gonna use my bug though. Can't help being a mommy first! I have so many projects going, both online and at home that it should keep me busy for the rest of the year! LOL

My goals for this year, loss weight, correspond more, do more painting and sketching, advance on my novel and spend more time with my daughter and husband! :D Goodluck to all of you and your goals for 2007!!

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Last Post of the Year [Dec. 31st, 2006|01:49 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |Amenciendo En Ti - Cristian Castro]

And with that note, I'd like to post some really good news. I've had a writers block thing going on my board Whispers and I had postponed all of the stories. This being said, the block is gone, but I'm starting slowly by starting Wizard's War again. It has begun great with four posts done in less then 24 hours and there are more on the way. So far everyone that is participating in the story is very excited, including Claire who has had a little block of her own.

I'm well aware how certain circumstances may have caused many of us to stress out to the point where we just couldn't write. I hope that with the choices made, whether painful or not, things can start to work out better in the new year. A new year always brings new resolutions and new things for us to concentrate on. A new year also is a time to meditate on what we did wrong in the past year and also those things we did very right.

Anyway, I appologize to everyone I've wronged, to feelings I may have hurt whether they were intentional or not, mostly not. I don't mean to hurt anyone and I've truly tried hard through the past year to be the best friend and acquaintance I could be. I have enjoyed writing and RPing with many of you, or just chatting and getting to know you and I hope that our friendship does not deminish in the coming year. For those friendships that have, I just hope that your path can continue strongly and at one time perhaps we were good friends, but not anymore and that, that is okay. Its okay to feel loss, but at the same time it is okay to move on with your life.

No more tears, no more regrets and no more need to feel sorry and appologize. Especially, no more hate, anger, vengeance or jeaously. Let the waters run under bridges and let bygones be bygones. May the best of your past be the worst of your future.

Love you,
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*coughs* [Dec. 26th, 2006|12:18 pm]
[Current Mood |coldcold]

I haven't posted an entry in a long, long time..*laughs* Anyway..just got back from a trip to the ranch and boy are my arms tired..HA! Yeah well it was a bad and old joke..:P It was soooooooo cold at the ranch, as soon as we arrived it poured and well, when it rains in the wilderness its tons, and tons and tons of mud. I swear I had so much mud on my shoes I stood three inches taller..LOL I had a great time, except that I forgot my allergy meds and all my mom and stepdad's smoking really built up. I spent the weekend with a horrible allegry headache.awww booo..:(

The bug had a great time, except for the time when my cousin Teresa tried to get her to pose with her two girls but the bug was playing and got upset that her auntie tried to stop her playing and she pushed her little cousins..lol It was hard not to laugh, but I didn't! And in the end had to put her down for a nap and I just joined her. I also, finally, met my cousin Danny who's like 41 years old and my mother's brother's oldest kid. We didn't know of him until recently and I just met him ..he's a great guy. I took tons of pictures and will put them up ASAP..for now, I'm just sooooo tired, cold and glad to be home..*le sigh*

I think I'm gonna get sick, me and the bug..too many people with colds and it was so damn cold too!! bbbrrrrr....in other news. No, I'm not gonna rant about you know who and you know what. I've decided its not worth it..both Nadypooh and Jemitita have ranted enough for all of us..LOL Love you, girls and the rest, I miss my Mandles and my Sheena and especially my baby noodle, Claire bear..*mwah* Happy New Years to all!!!!

Edit: Said I wasn't going to talk about this, but I just got off PM with Alch and I've decided not to play Allistar again..and let me tell you why...lol Because its obvious that Carol will never be anything than an annoying little shit that will never let me RP in peace. I was hoping she'd just get the message..hey, I can't stand RPing with you, so much so it makes me want to kill my RP characters. So yeah..fuck it, I'll be the bigger person here..AGAIN, I'll act like the adult in the HC situation and RP the other characters I had in mind. Anyway, I have a list of people I have promised RPies too and need to get on with it.

Anyway..Allistar's been having a little jaunt with Cedric in RP elsewhere..heehee and he can continue that..woot..*sings Secret Lovers* heeheeee
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Able to Breath [Nov. 17th, 2006|12:50 pm]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

Have you ever had one of those feelings, like the world is closing in on you? Like every breath you take is labored and difficult to pull outta your lungs? And you know the reason you're feeling this way, and you want to stop feeling this way, but you have to do something aweful in order to never feel this way again? Well, I feel like I can breath again, my shoulders don't hurt, my head doesn't ache, my soul feels lighter. And don't try to convince me either, trying to convince me to go back to bad is very selfish and I don't deserve that. I'm happy..very happy and I'll just leave it at that. ^.^
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Afraid [Nov. 10th, 2006|02:36 pm]
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]

I'm afraid of my anger, afraid it will take me over until I do things I'll regret, say things I'll regret. So yeah..push me, I'm not humble, I can't be..its not the beast in me. Push me, and I'll push back, harder, stronger..and yeah, you want a war? There is no foe greater than I.
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